Lessons in Surrender

A number of years ago I stepped away from this blog and podcast to serve as Deacon of Women’s Ministry in my local church. When I was asked to fill this role, I felt honored, but I also felt dread. My personality gets bored easily, doesn’t like rules or formal organizations and hates to be boxed in by a time commitment. I had already been unofficially serving in this role for about a year, but that suited me. I could come and go as I wanted and didn’t have to answer to anyone. And, although I could see myself in a role like this in the future I never expected to take on this role at a young age. I was 8 months pregnant with my third son when I was ordained formally into this role. I didn’t have much to give and my heart needed a lot of work, but I knew God was calling me to it and would, therefore, equip me for it. So, I stopped fighting it and surrendered.

Over the last 5 years of doing church ministry, I've learned much. The biggest takeaway is that it ain’t for the faint of heart. Christians have this expectation that fellow believers will behave with Christ-like maturity. The truth is, people are broken, and, when pressed, it’s rare for someone to respond in maturity, myself included. But, God used it for my good and His glory and I learned much and matured greatly over this time. Here’s a little of what I learned in my time away from blogging.

Team Work Makes the Dream Work:

I learned that a team is vital. It’s so easy for me to be autonomous - a one woman show. Surrounding myself with a team would help bolster me from pride. Accountability is key for cultivating and maintaining humility, so I assembled a team of older women to help guide, counsel and keep me in check. I love and value these women so much. They were the first I turned to when I needed prayer and godly counsel. Their influence on my life has left a permanent mark and I'll be forever grateful for them.

Silence Over Self-Righteousness:

I learned that holding my tongue is more important than being right or than being seen rightly. I probably struggled with, and, subsequently, grew in this the most. Sometimes I ran my mouth when I should have kept quiet, and for those things I had to go back and make amends. I remember one time when I experienced deep hurt from someone who didn’t like or trust my leadership. In that moment, I found myself on my knees and crying out to God rather than running my mouth. I knew in that moment that God had matured me and rooted me in Him because I would never have responded that way in the past. Growth.

Leaning on the Holy Spirit:

I learned that walking with people through their sin issues, marital discourse and deep pain is only done through the power of the Holy Spirit. It was through these experiences that I leaned into the Spirit’s leading and was most aware of checking myself before speaking, knowing the weight with which my words could be received. Humility, again, is key when walking with believers through the realities of a sin-filled world. Presence over perfection. Silence over verbosity. Righteousness over self-righteousness. Yielding to the Spirit over speaking my mind. I saw so much growth in my own heart by walking with others through hurt, sin issues and grief. It kept me humble, seeing that I could fall into the same sins; and, it showed me how to lovingly care for the body of Christ. 

Organism Not Organization:

I learned that seeing the inner-workings of ministry and the realities of running a church like a business, was not only hard to reconcile but also an unbiblical approach to ministry. I'm sure you've heard it said that the church isn’t a business but must be run like one to be successful. Why? Where did this come from? From 501c3 status dictated by a secular government? From people wanting to turn the church into something profitable or grand? Wherever it originated from, I believe it is wrong and is exactly why Jesus flipped the tables at the Temple. 

The Church isn’t an organization, but a people. The Church should be operated relationally, engaging the soul and discipling the spirit within. Programs and paid leaders are often relied upon as the main way to disciple believers. And, although programs, studies and vocational ministers have a place and help in discipling believers, they should never be relied upon solely.

In my years in church ministry, I ran it like how I saw it run at every other western, American church - like an organization instead of an organism. Events became the main focus - the drive and discussion of every meeting. Why are church leaders always so burnt out? Event, after event, after event steals our time and energy away. Meeting with the people of God, even though challenging at times, is always life-giving. The event-focus is getting in the way of the true call to ministry.

My heart was to form and disciple other women, and I did engage women relationally and truly discipled and mentored women within the church. I have so many beautiful notes and letters of encouragement from women expressing how, by God’s grace, I’ve been instrumental in their lives. I never want to diminish or discount that truth because I know God used me, and I saw so much heart change and growth in these women. Hindsight is 20/20 and 'm just looking back and seeing areas I wish I had stewarded differently. Thankfully, God wastes nothing and He used it all for His glory and my good, to bring me closer to His heart.

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Since stepping away from formal church ministry, I’ve been re-evaluating what I believe and why. Not re-evaluating what I believe regarding Christ or His Word, but in regard to how we do church. The Church should point people to Christ and be a reflection of His love. Sadly, you hear more about how people are hurt by the Church instead of healed by them. The Church is broken and far from perfect, but when this “church hurt” is prevalent, shouldn’t we pause and ask why? What are we doing to contribute to the cycle of endless programs, a lack of true biblical discipleship and running God’s church like a business of the world? How can we break the cycle? 

I’ll be reflecting and praying through this for a while to replenish the areas in which I was depleted, to heal the areas in which I was wounded, and to identify the areas in which I was misguided. I’ve always written as a way to process what my heart is feeling, so stay tuned to read what God is speaking to me and, please pray for me on this side of church ministry. May God keep my humble, surrendered and keep my heart softened toward Him always (Psalm 19:14), in Jesus' name, amen.