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“There is no heartbeat…” words every pregnant mother prays she doesn’t hear. Four little words that change your perspective, heart and life forever. From now on you know that part of your heart is no longer with you. A person that you began to grown inside of you will never fall asleep in your arms, know the comfort of your touch or the sound of your voice. That little person will not grow before your eyes or graduate high school.
You now secretly break down and cry when you see another rejoice over the birth of their child and you are secretly wondering, "Why does her baby live and mine not?!? Why does she get to count her baby’s little toes and I am left counting how many days my baby has been gone? This isn’t fair! What did I do wrong?" Some thoughts you know are not right and you are too afraid of what others will think to ever admit them out loud.
Unfortunately, I have felt or thought all of these things and, sadly, even more. I hate to admit it, but it's true. Since the loss of my sweet twins in May of 2013, I have had the heartbreaking privilege to walk through this loss with multiple friends. It never gets easier…the grief, the helplessness, the sadness…it is all too real every single time. There are no words to comfort a mother in those moments of grief. Sometimes the best thing you can do is sit and cry with them.
The night I found out we lost our babies, I couldn’t sleep. I left the arms of my sweet and understanding husband to be alone in the living room. I laid flat on my stomach and cried out to God in a way I never have before. I cried harder than I have ever cried…and in the lowest of low moments in my life I felt the MOST PEACE, the peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7). In a moment where the grief was so overwhelming that I couldn’t even stand, I felt a comfort and peace that couldn’t be explained. I still didn’t understand. I was still completely broken. I didn’t have answers, but I had Jesus and that was enough.
I still don’t know why it happened but I know that night, God met me where I was. He wrapped His great big daddy arms around me and He just held me. All I remember hearing was, it's going to be ok…and it was. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD (Job 1:21).
Every night before putting our sweet kiddos to bed my husband and I pray for them and over them. We pray for their school days, for their future spouses, for their dreams to be sweet and, most importantly, for them to come to know the Lord at a young age and to do great things for HIS kingdom! We pray that their lives will reflect Jesus in everything they do. One night while praying for my kids, I felt the Lord lay something upon my heart. “As you sit here praying for your children to be drawn to me and come to know me, the two sweet babies you lost will never know a day without Me.” Jaw drop…
They don’t know the pain and heartbreak of this fallen world, all they know is Jesus!! That right there was the peace He gave me on my living room floor six years ago. I still cry, I still grieve and I still miss them. But, I can cry knowing they are in the arms of Jesus, I can grieve in HOPE that I will see them again and I can remind their siblings of the beautiful blessings that were called home.
If you have experienced this kind of loss, you are not alone. We all grieve in our own ways and that is ok. My prayer is that, as you grieve, you remember that God has not left you, He is not punishing you; rather, He is growing you and shaping you! HE loves you, and when the thoughts of doubt creep in remember we have everything we need - we have Jesus!
"It is in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for."
- Ephesians 1:11
"His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence."
- 2 Peter 1:3